Essays
Writen since 2016. In order of written date. Updates end of the month.
-03/12/26___
When I was younger my father knew how I felt about my sisters
My mom constantly doting after them
Twins born at a time where we couldn't afford it
He was busy sinking all his money into get rich quick schemes
and he was always gone on deployment or selling milkshakes powders we had with oatmeal for breakfast
Once, he took me on an "Ambassador Trip" in Miami
I remember it was the first time I felt safe on a plane
The few other times I flew alone from North Carolina with a stewardess
my Grandpa waiting on the other side in Shreveport
he's the only reason I had a pink rolly barbie suitcase for plane rides
this time I felt safe
And Dad got me McDonald's and we played the scratch off
we checked into a nice hotel after spending the day sipping protein drinks out of paper cups and oogling tan body buillders on stage while some Ceo talked about the future
there was a party for the company held in the dining room later that night
a buffet with unlimited fruit which I scarfed down
my sisters always ate the fruit at home
and I was so happy I danced to every song
especially the ones I knew from the wii dance game we kids got for Christmas
I, of course had three stars to all the songs
people hollered and clapped, and for once in my life I didn't shy away
he danced with me that night
me, in my church dress and frilly socks
him, in the button up that was too tight and boot cut skinny jeans
he twirled me around and disco danced
when my cheeks got too red we sat down and I had a rare soda
and he asked me "Where did you learn to dance like that"
and I had to look at my dad and tell him all I knew is from the game Santa got me with the hand written card "I know how much you love to dance, keep dancing beautiful girl".
I thought he had wrote it, I was too old for Santa.
It broke my heart that maybe he didn't write it.
Hand in hand he led me too the boardwalk
and he sat down in the sand watching the waves
I stood next to him because I didn't want to get sand on my church dress
and I was already thinking of mom complaining and polishing my shoes
we watched the sea
I leaned in him for support
the moon shone full over the clear sky
I remember touching his oily pomaded fohawk
and with no words
I was suddenly in bed
my father wakes me up with a orange and protein drink and
Carries me limp in my cotton nightshirt to the water
he sets two beach chairs next to each other
sets them in a upright position
and talks to himself lamenting about his journeys around the world
I hold the orange tight looking for the moon
he shakes me and taps my hand
my eyes open
the most beautiful sunrise I will ever see
like fire rising upon a frozen lake.
I've seen a lot of sunrises driving home from after party's or the 9 hour drive home from college.
I got close to that memory once in the car after talking to someone for 8 hours once last summer, we both surprised we had talked for that long. I took it as a sign to keep trying, and I should have just listened to my past. I never saw a beach again, at least, not a stunningly clear in season beach. We always traveled in the off season if we traveled for vacations. It was always a spring foggy beach I wandered when I snuck out of the hotel room and sprinted down the street to the shore.
Once I went to the Bahamas, but I was so sick I barely ate or drank for the whole week. It was hurricane season then too, I never saw that clear sky or water ever again.
I try to say if not for the conditions the colors wouldn't be the same.
Things always look more vibrant when you are young.
5:30am -02/04/26___
The both of us were swept with exhaustion, and yet neither of us could manage to fall asleep.
You, taken a nap earlier retired to reading aloud to me. Images of wolves and packs running over the globe filled my head as I lay on your stomach.
The bed was generous for the two of us and the little darlings. One at my head. One at your feet. Purrs and soft eyes closed as I too, felt the warmth of your voice in strong prose.
But the bed is never too big. Always, we find ourselves hip and hip and face to neck or feet tangled in feet.
The spattering and trickling sound of the ice melting from the roof slowly becoming my favorite soundtrack.
And every inch of your gentle etched skin has soon became my favorite taste.
But it was in the way you touch me that even novel of description couldn't suffice.
And how do I describe the way it seemed as though your fingers were making love to the scar along my waist?
Or how a part of me would somehow shut down when you would sigh right in my eardrum?
Can I please make a brew for you every morning, with a stronger espresso that suits our shared craving for not too sweet? I want to do that for you, please.
No matter how far into slumber I seemed, I would never forget a single detail, because that was the moment that I knew I only wanted you.
To the sweet summer air. -02/03/26___
I'm sorry that you fell in love with me and I did not realize.
I'm sorry how I handled it when I did realize, so long after.
Waking up after that night
You on my chest after so much drinking and walking
around the park near the highschool we went to years before
The house was silent
Warm light peaked through your kitchen window and started casting shadows all over the dining room shelves from my view on your mother's couch
Sober as hell always, I watched the sunrise and listened to the clock tick somewhere
I remember
How sweet you looked when you were curled on top me
The couch and I too small for you to sprawl comfortably
The little bit of sweat that gathered on your upper lip
I'm sorry for how I treated you, I didn't know better.
We never had enough time, I should have told you that.
Your mom and me sat in silence as you made us waffles from scratch
The air sticky and warm and I looked so ratty from a night before
I expected so much judgement from someone her age for sleeping on the couch with her son who had never done that before
She seemed delighted
I wondered how it was to be raised so well by such a amazing woman.
We had just discussed tea blends and politics, such an amazing woman.
Delicious waffles eventually, you looked so happy.
You were a sort of peace I never got to savor the flavor of before
I was so scared of ruining your peaceful mornings
Forgive me, please.
Only a month or two having known you loved me. I'm sorry we could not be.
We were to similar.
You, a perfect mirror for who I was before the incident occurred.
I never told you how bad it had gotten...
I try to think that I did not make you unhappy with my leaving
That we both look at that day upon the mountain sunbathing on the rock with the sweetness it deserves
All the hikes and meals we shared
And parking lot podcasts still held gently on your mind
singing panic at the disco and chief keef on our walks with no shame
Before I knew that you were, in fact, not just my friend
I'm so sorry I made you tell me
But I know you most blame me for how bad you felt toward the end, when you could tell I was going to be gone
I loved you
I loved you like I love most things that havent hurt me yet
Not in the way you wanted
I hope your mother is doing well
Maybe you've been going to classes and finding what makes you tick
That you've eventually cleaned your room
Wild Things -01/22/26
A path to a fruitful future has become clear to me as of recent.
I've been swimming in the darkest of lakes and the rip current brought me back to
the wide big beautiful ocean with the colors of the fish and ocean floor glorious
apparent to me.
Now the question how do I or we make the game plan, how can I get to shore and put my feet on steady ground.
Build the shelter kill, the fleeing boar as I've done for so long alone before I ran into
that cloudy lake naked promising safety from the wild as long as I had the energy to keep kicking.
But I know now I'm not a damn fish and no one really can keep up in the water.
This feels like a strong vine I can climb.
I've pulled it with all my body weight to no give.
How do we do this?
Home -1/01/26___
I'm on that journey on highway 68 again
the road empty
redbull vibrating in the holder
I can't wait to be home for the holidays
I just want to be home.
I would love to be able to click my heels and sing that rhyme
Into the arms of who really cares for me
Finally, one shouldn't be working so hard this time of year
It's never been right.
But not yet, too soon girl.
The fruit has yet to fatten though it looks ripe.
It has smelled ripe, I know that smell.
I regard, I've tasted sugary fruit before.
I recognize that tease of a memory…
Don't you know that feeling where you can recognize something, so moist
so fresh, you can only want to devour before it wastes in the sun.
Juice dripping down your fingers and elbows,
Head bowed,
Hair sticking to your forehead,
It takes days to get that taste out of your mouth.
But it's been so cloudy, and sun isn't in the forecast for weeks it seems
And yet this dormant branch bares fruit still
And I will wait
For this bloom to become edible
In anticipation
Make a wreath of the clippings and smell the switch oil lacquer
Watch patiently from my window
Sworn to provide this protection through affection
I'll be home soon
and as much as I am yours
You are mine.
My great present.
Even in memory.
Fresh in my mind.
-12/31/25___
I feel like I've known you
As much things I have mulled over like good soup and rich fruit syrup over the stove
You fill my senses on that way
An Ode to Fall -10/04/25___
As the trees try their best to do with what has been given to them,
and I start regretting not buying warmer socks earlier in the year,
I can feel the pavement through the soles of my boots.
I am struck by the sudden lack, as things turn and twist.
This season, so full of joy and community based activities
is also one of the loneliest times in people’s lives.
What makes one smile can also make one cry,
much faster, it seems, these days.
People are eating more together,
and even more are going hungry in isolation.
In the shuffle of it all,
it feels like you are forgotten in the little, big ways.
Feels like you are forgetting the little things,
though you try your best.
And you want to apologize-but what for?
Running around like a headless chicken,
doing the best for others
they can see you're trying.
I hope.
Try your best to eat well.
People forget how much the weather heightens what we feel.
What might be an exhilarating cold
can also be a suffocating chill.
Your hunger is not to be ignored.
Stay warm with everything:
your actions, your food, your rest.
Be warm in heart.
Protect your neck from the chill,
and keep your thoughts buzzing in intense scrutiny
for yourself, internally, if anything.
In the night, when things finally go silent enough
for you to hear your own internal voice,
talk to them about your day.
Don’t let your internal monologue
drag you back to the past,
or forward to a “might be” future.
You are here.
Not there,
not there.
You are here.
In your bed.
Or maybe in the middle of the dance floor,
and things are finally silent.
You may be with someone you love.
You may be alone.
You may be around a person who couldn’t care less about you.
But you are here.
_10/01/25___
I'm missing you a little extra today
as I draw my blackout curtains.
I hope you are well
that you've been going on walks
and driving with the windows down.
I hope you're okay.
I hope you’ve been sleeping in
and leaving the window cracked just enough
for the breeze to sneak in and wick the sweat off your brow.
I hope the sun's been soft on your skin.
I hope your plants keep growing.
I hope someone’s been laughing at your jokes
even when they’re bad.
Yes, especially when they’re bad.
Someone has to.
I'm missing you a little extra today
and I know you are doing your best.
I don't want to fucking talk to you.
Let me communicate that to you
I don't want anything else.
That's all we've ever needed
to know.
Elvis -06/04/25___
when we were young he used to
wrap his hands around my waist
and drag me along to the middle
of the room or midnight street.
he'd put some ancient record on
probably some Elvis song or well
whatever he thought I'd like
we'd shuffle along the wooden floor
awkwardly cos neither of us really
bothered to learn how to dance
but it was very us.
I'd press my nose to his lymph nodes
and together we would sway
and even after the record ended
we would still remain.
Dirty Kitchens -05/10/25___
I stare at the scene in front of me and wish my mother were not so tired.
But she knew I would be home late,
and knows my sense of justice when it comes to mess.
Me and her are simular alot.
Cleaning up after someones absent head.
Checkered Brushed Wool -04/17/25___
In my world, the sun rises twice
One, through the window I quickly make sure the blackout curtains dampen
The other, stretches a yawn and holds me closer in our bed
A couple hours later, my eyes meet deep pools of maple syrup
Sweet lips on my cheek
Oh, it seems he's already awake
In a Wendys -04/14/25___
I press my heart for
an answer
a shallow begging heat
and I cannot sweeten that of
the rubarb with only
glimpses of sun to keep me well
the weight on my chest
has stayed long after i've left.
and the birds ands the trees and the frogs in the potholes
mock
When will your rambling end?
Stay put.
Stop hunting these trophies you seek on this dirty messy path you walk.
Things to think about while having a panic attack: -03/10/25___
Cold tile
River
Smell of Magnolias
The most beautiful flower you have ever seen
A field of the smell
Smell
Head up not down
Neck up
Interlocked fingers
Cold tile on my feet
Sunny day walks alone
Vanilla
Breathe
Stones that have lavers in different colors
Carrying my cat on the porch,slice of ham in fingers
Having breakfast with cat while he tells me journeys and paths he once took
Rythmic purs while we both absorb the sun Breathe
Coming home from job in a life not-yet-lived to make a small eggplant parmesan and salad with pineapple juice and fresh slice of bread
Dancing on the weekend like I've always wanted
My brothers laugh
Purple led lights
Music in the wind while on a walk
Bubbling clear river lined with speckled stones that look like frogs
Breathe
Butterfly flaps
Open those eyes.
Mama 2/23/25
My mother is a brick wall
A creeping sweet potato vine
that has known none else
am I
The structure
I so desperately need
The shade
I seek to escape
The garden not enough
Though I am told to smell the roses
I want that view
I do not know what of
It can't be just this
Surely it can't be just this
Maybe there is a chance
To shine like spit polished gold
Dance with a grass field
Sparkle in the sun like a emerald
Flow with a clear understanding like water
As I've seen it trickle down to me before
I will pant like a dog in Mississippi heat
Climb my tallest like a mountain goat
Sleep deeper the barn cat
Anger in rolling sweeps like an avalanche
Cry hot and terrible like a volcano
Laugh as sweet and loud as a waterfall
A new earth will appear under my feet
Maybe I will see
Finally I will see
I am crawling like a child
Stretching like a sunflower to the open sky
Climbing like a potato vine over a brick wall
Bending like a starving tree in the thick winter wind
I am at no power but the urge to continue
I will
I will try
-01/17/25___
The Good doesn't weigh the bad out
The Good doesn't take away the hurt that only could be absorbed by my heart
The Good doesn't take away the lies paired with a smile that I believed for so long
The Good doesn't take away from the self guilt
The Good doesn't take away from the fact I can't have you because you will indefinitely hurt me again
The Good doesn't help me in my decision to leave, it grips onto my pants leg and asks if it was enough
And I have to tell The Good that he tried his best
Crouch down and take The Good into my arms and thank him for the joy and the laughs and the trust when he was around
Rub The Goods head against mine and promise I will always love him
Let me take The Good down to the lake one last time and watch us play with the water
Do you see
I'm letting go now
The Bad has taken me into the river.
Would I? -11/01/24__
"You would be a good wife, you will be a better mother."
Hand on my cheek.
I bet I would be
I could've been yours if you acted fast enough
If I endured the pain you put me though a bit longer with a bigger smile
I bet on these loosing dogs
I've made my bed
I fear I will never be made a wife
A genuinely smiling wife
A studious mother
My only dream I ever had
The girl you told me you wanted so long ago.
I wonder if the others you've kissed told you that too.
Its okay to want different things.
I wish you told me you changed your mind years ago.
I've wanted nothing else so badly than now,
hand on my cheek.
I'm crying so hard that I can barely choke out any response to that sentance you hit me with,
the worst blow you've ever given me.
Because
I'm sure I will never have that.
You have nailed the seal shut of the only open window I could reach for
for fresh air.
Go enjoy your drafty house.
I just wanted one window.
They Are There -11/29/23___
Hidden in the duvet
tucked over my chest in the morning
On the pads of my bare feet standing on tile
Behind me while I shower
The water can't touch
Nestled in the smell of spices used in Ethiopian dishes
Video games I can't play anymore
I never knew the dungeon puzzles
(But some day)
Songs I won't sing out loud
Texts that never got received
Calls that were at a bad time
Emails that were never touched
Unexpected house visits
Severe detachment
to the point of stunting myself
The motion sickness
After talking to someone new
In inappropriate smiles
In my fear of making plans
The taste of microwave oatmeal packets
It's in my favorite waterproof macascara
that still runs
Days that are too bright
even with sunglasses
Walking on the side of a 8 lane street
The way I perceive blades
Sleeves that won't-quite end enough at the wrist
Tiny mirrors being the smarter choice
I have to ignore all of them
Looking me in the eye behind my shoulder
Crawling on my back
Swimming in my mouth when there's nothing else
Buzzing at the tips of my fingers
Jumping on my ears and scratching my nape
They are so heavy
Can't I just rest a while
-09/07/23___
I am holding onto the doorknob
And holding onto your hand
And you're going to the other end of the hallway towards the exit door
And I can hear the laughing through the walls because
I cracked it a little thinking we'd both go in
I can smell a meal prepared
Barely Glimpse the empty chairs waiting around the table
My body so close to the door
I want to step in
But my other arm is being stretched
Because I can't let go
Come with me
Come back to me
-07/10/23___
I had a 10am appointment today
for a haircut I chose after careful consideration
Woke up at 8 and showered long
Ate a short breakfast at 9
Drove to town, past the cornfields and fresh eggs/honey
viewed the rolling mountains in the cloudy distance
I drove to a town where no one knows your face or different names
found parking all on my own
relaxed in a hard chair in a freezing room
the nice veteran where i got oxtail pho bragged to me his Vietnamese wife is a entrepreneur, and i believe him. that woman was defiantly the brains behind that restaurant.
...and didnt think about you...
until you texted me goodmorning at 1:30
-04/21/23___
It's like my hand was meant to gently hold a pile of blueberrys.
Rinse them in warm water and let the cracks drsin slowly.
The sun comes through the warm water and sparkles through the azul stones.
Bounces off the creases.
What a beautiful temporary pong my hand has made.
Shake out the drops gently
Repeat.
04/01/23___
When I think of you
I think of tying shoelaces for an allotted two minutes every morning
Tooth tied to a doorknob
Football and man-caves
Running down hallways
Giggling down stairs
When the door finally opens at dinner time
Telling you I cut my own bangs horribly
Not wanting to know what she would say first
A swimming pool and a house
My own room
Skype calls and a southern drawl
Emails I never responded to
because I was mad you weren't home
Workout routines and protein farts
A persevering search for what can be done
A relationship with everyone
Doesnt really know what she wants for her birthday
Someone who can-but-not really do math
Sleeps like a bear in 2 minutes if you're quiet enough
Wakes up with a blink of an eye
Like somethings going on but
... you don't know yet.
-03/09/23___
I love wanting you
I love knowing what I want
The pleasure
Of being somewhere
On a map
These days I can point to myself
And say ,Here
Here I am
I'm Sick, clearly -11/26/22___
My Father once more places his hand on my face
Its so cold.
Shock takes over me as I panic at how much time I can afford
Can I close my eyes again
Tears
I am so warm
He says
"What are you going to do when I can't take care of you"
What will I do
Sobbing a laugh
I faint a dreamless sleep
What am I going to do?
Drafty -08/18/22___
Dreams
My head rises and falls
I am resting on a windy mansion full of holes and
unsealed window sills.
His torso is a drafty house.
His chest a room in a thunderstorm.
I can focus on the soft
rythmic
huffs hums.
Ignore the humid air that only seem to appear on my arms and cheeks when I wake.
I try to match my sheets of rain to his creaks and moans as he settles in.
The walls of the house are so strong
, they keep me from falling into the cliffs below.
He has more room anyway.
I barely have enough cover.
Links
